Memoirs of a Bridezilla: The In-Laws' Wedding

I don’t believe in breaking the bank for a wedding, there is forever after that! Forever house rent/maintenance, forever fees and forever bills to pay so if you can save on your wedding that would be very wise indeed.

Of course we have what we want in our heads and our parents have what THEY want, double that and you have 4 parents wanting what they want. I didn’t think this would be a problem for a bit because at the end of the day we are the ones getting married, so I was certain a few boundaries could be made…. Apparently not in an Ibo wedding!

she was almost like her

 I attempted to plan my wedding myself but my mother-in-law had her own plans. She brought in a wedding planner which I wasn’t too happy about but reached a compromise by taking off a few duties from her and by letting her know she was only hired to help and not run the show. My fiancé didn’t care much about colour code so I picked it. I picked Green and Gold but once again, mother-in-law had her own colours. She said we should do Blue as this was her son’s favourite colour (but your son said he’s cool with Green and Gold? He’s not complaining!) I really did not want colour riot so I reached another compromise of Teal and Gold; at least there’s a bit of blue in there. I started suspecting this Mother-in-law of mine with the way she kept on objecting my wishes and I had to make sure my hubby told her we had discussed everything and agreed as a couple that this was what we wanted, I mean she can choose her aso ebi? She can handle food? That’s what the mothers do right? Hmm! This is my wedding o! I won’t even agree!

The Hall we chose was already decorated so it cut costs for us. The wedding planner didn’t want to agree that it was fine enough and even offered to decorate it. I explained to her I was content with the décor but she was adamant and of course with backing from the in-laws I had to listen. Ok I decided to hear what she had to say, after all the (boring) ideas she put forward she now added insult upon injury by charging 1 million Naira for it! Say wetin happen! That décor in that hall cost 400k! Needless to say the conversation ended there.

I was beginning to get fed up of the barging in and changing of things by my fiancé’s siblings and it was weighing me down, I thought many times of just talking to his mum like a daughter to a mother but I didn’t know how to go about it without probably offending her. Is there a polite way of saying “back off”? Because that’s how I felt anytime she spoke about one thing or the other that I didn’t like. My family members on the other hand were very helpful and supportive. My ever efficient sister was my chief bridesmaid and she handled the job very well. My wedding dress was on point, the bridesmaids dresses were stunning and cloth matter was sorted, my sister handled everything beauty, even make up (she did my make up for the wedding) so at least I was happy about that.

Some of my friends dint try sha, they wanted to use me to pay their shop rent. I asked one to do cocktails for me and she charged 285 Naira per head whereas a total stranger gave me for 170 Naira per head. Even as I told her to reduce for me she was doing shakara, Na so friendship be? For my other friend I just told her I wanted beads, I didn’t dare mention wedding so that she won’t charge me and when she found out it was too late (hehe).

For a while plans went smoothly, no interruptions, no new ideas. The wedding planner faced her own and I faced my own. It was looking like we were all getting along till we had a mini family meeting; my parents and I wanted to contribute to paying for some of the expenses of the wedding and my sister-in-law dared to ask “where will you get the money from?” I began to boil! I explained to her that it wasn’t a problem, we talked about number of guests and I calmly explained we did not want too many guests, mother-in-law just charged in “come, this wedding is not your own o! This is my first and only son and you will see many people there whether you like it or not! This is our wedding, we foot the bill, we do everything, you go and get yourself ready and present yourself to your husband, go and look fine, finish!” kai!  “HOW DARE YOU INSULT US! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! THIS IS MY WEDDING NOT YOURS AND DEFINITELY NOT YOUR BUSH VILLAGE PEOPLE STILL LIVING IN ANCIENT TIMES! I WILL DO WHATEVER I WANT AND YOU WILL SIT BACK AND ACCEPT EVERYTHING! NOW, GET OUT!

In America I’m sure I could have said that but here, (lol) hmm! I still wanted to marry sha. I just took everything in and poured out my frustration to hubby. He completely understood and even spoke to his people on my behalf, with that they chilled small, sigh.

Wedding day came and I was up by 6am! Even though mass was at 9 I wasn’t taking any chances. I was dressed and ready by 8 with full make up on. The hairstylist came late but everything was still on track as my able chiefo yelled at her and kept her on her toes to finish making the bridal party’s hair on time. I dint wait for all that o, I already started finding my way to the rented Limo as my priority at that point was to have a majestic father-daughter walk down the aisle. As I went downstairs I was already imagining how I will come out of this limo in elegance and glamour, looking posh posing for photographs… my daydream shattered to pieces as I saw the bonnet of the limo open and the driver fanning smoke out of it! I just broke down and started crying. Like seriously! Today of all days! My sister tried to pacify me half upset I almost messed up my makeup. At the end we had to use the photographer’s car to get to church and I cried almost all the way! The photographer kept consoling me and my sister kept trying to revamp my face. I was too sad and the only thing that could change that was if I got to the church on time. Luckily I got there at the nick of time and could have my majestic walk, seeing my fresh fiancé also lit up my heart and limo problem automatically wiped from my memory.

I thought the drama ended in the morning only to get to the reception and see some funny shaped rubbish hanging from the ceiling of the already beautifully decorated hall! This had wedding planner written all over it! After I told her I dint want her décor she went behind my back to get it done! I just freed cos it was too late to do anything about it. Even the other services she promised to provide she didn’t, it was just all in the book, see ushers scanty, people complaining they hadn’t eaten ( I even chuckled at that one, shebi I said not too many guests) where was the famous dessert table? All her talk was wash! Our MC decided to act his own play during the wedding. During negotiation stage he charged us 40k o, we told him ok go and check the venue, he didn’t, that’s how he started vexing at the reception that he should have charged us more as he didn’t know the wedding was big like that especially after seeing the huge hall. He started throwing tantrums talking about charging 200k but of course it was too late so my hubby’s friend helped us handle him by paying his balance and sending him off.

Apart from all that, the day was beautiful! The church was beautifully decorated and I got all the glamorous pictures I wanted! The DJ was on point and made everyone turn up! After everything I was so happy that it was as If nothing bad happened, I even hugged and played with my mother-in-law and hubby’s sisters like we never had issues and forgave the limo guy for messing my morning up. I got a chance to take a ride and it was lovely! As we drove to our new home in this beautifully decorated romantic back seat, I thanked God for a successful day and for finally joining me to the man of my dreams!

My advice to Brides everywhere is never to let anything upset you on your big day, just laugh and smile through it all! Also always keep food for your bridal party because ushers tend to forget they exist.

And there you have it, a moderate turned happy Bridezilla!

For Coloured Girls: Extreme Feminism?

I think I can comfortably say this has been the worst movie I have watched in my life, even worse than the horrible movie Haemoglobin.

I understand the theme is to show the raw emotions of women and how they cope with struggles and traumatic events that occur in their lifetime, I also appreciate the cast ( I tip my hat to Thandie Newton, and I think she had the best performance) however, there were certain things I could not but disagree with.

Are men the enemy? I believe that there are men out there who have issues and women are usually the ones who suffer but can we get statistics please? Is it every man that beats his wife, rapes or cheats? I found some of the portrayals very unrealistic. It’s ironic that the director of this movie is male himself. In fact one could come out of the cinema thinking men are evil and can never change and that’s how most of the male characters were portrayed. How about the man who stood by his wife even when he found out the reason she couldn’t have children? His character was much downplayed! Are we saying such men don’t exist? And if this is the case should society just sit and fold its arms?

Another thing I could not agree with is the portrayal of religious people having double standards and this seems to be a trend in modern movies today.  The practice of religion is now portrayed as an avenue for hypocrites to masks themselves under the false guise of virtue, fervent Christians are all too often presented as lunatics and puritans, I strongly disagree. Not every person striving to be Christian is pharisaic. The fact that one is not perfect and strives for this is one of the beautiful aspects of being human, that’s what keeps man going, being motivated to reach ones ideal and if a few people get caught up in a glass house with a judging look and raised pointed nose, it’s their problem however those people do not make up the population of true Christians.

Even if one could identify with the hard core truth about modern black society, the movie portrays the vices of these men as incurable. The rapist was allowed to get away with his vice by being killed, he was stabbed but died a rapist, the man who murdered his own children was locked in prison given the excuse of being a criminal rather than someone who was probably portrayed as one who had  some mental illness. In reality, a man who kills his own children out of anger will not be sent to jail but a psychiatric home, especially one who experiences post-traumatic stress disorder. He would be placed in a mental hospital and receive therapy, not immediate jail term.

It’s very sad that abortion is seen as a very easy and convenient thing to do. I do not believe that it is an easy decision to make and the option of life is not even considered. I strongly think that one should always be able to face the consequences of ones actions; one always wants to have ones cake and eat it. Is being pregnant punishment? Is sexual irresponsibility to be celebrated?

The vulgarity of the poetry put me off! I do not believe sex is all about superficial pleasure; it is sacred and should be treated as such. It was portrayed as a crime and something used by men to exploit women. Although in some cases it is but how about the good sides? How about a wonderful and most enjoyable union between two people with equal love for each other? (This is usually best revered by a husband and wife on a matrimonial bed).

It is understandable that one’s feelings and experiences are usually expressed through writing. For instance Tyler Perry is said to have had an abusive father and so mostly spent time with his mother and women. Although he did not write the original script, it makes a lot of sense for him to have portrayed men in that manner and adopt a negative feminine view of things. I think he could have done better with the story line; the movie leaves no moral lesson or hope for anyone struggling in such a situation. I understand it’s a movie FOR COLOURED GIRLS but are we saying that all men are evil? And that they cannot change? Are we saying that women are always the victims?

I don’t think women are weaklings and don’t know how to handle situations in their lives. Not every black woman is oppressed by a man and not every religious woman is a puritan with double standards and I think this is what the movie tried to portray, as each character’s experience is supposed to mirror an aspect of a black woman’s life. This movie makes women look like they are always suffering and have no clue of what to make of life, we are stronger than we know and with God and good guidance we can definitely cope with the obstacles life throws at us.

Don't Judge Me!

Anger swelled inside as she spoke, I wanted to slap her, how dare she! How dare she advise me! She knows nothing of my situation yet she has the audacity to tell me dating a married man is wrong!

What does she know? Was she there when I had to struggle with a single mum all the way through uni? Was she there when I was suffering with 1 meal a day? When I asked her for 10k did she give me? Hiss! Now she’s telling me I shouldn’t be with Kunle.

I looked at her with fiery balls as eyes, wanted to yell “get out” but spoke calmly “Tosin, thanks for your concern but I don’t think you should be giving me advice or correcting me. You’ve never been in a relationship so you would not understand what I am going through, you can’t help who you fall in love with”. “A married man?  That’s your choice?” she said. “We are in love Tosin and there’s nothing that can be done about it, he’s having a hard time at home and I’m the only person he can turn to” “so what should happen to his wife? What if you were in her shoes?” “I will never be in her shoes because she does not know how to treat her husband” I retorted. “You know what, lets drop the issue” “I’ve heard you” she said. “Just remember sha, there’s a proverb which says The broom that swept out the housewife from her matrimonial home is the same broom that will sweep out the concubine”.  I didn’t say a word and that was because Kunle drove in at that moment. She’s very lucky he did because I was ready to give her a piece of my mind.

Annoyingly, that’s all I could think of while in the car- her self-righteous words, as if she‘s better than me. She has forgotten the time she almost cheated in that test or the time she almost dated Fred! If I didn’t tell her he was with Remi!  She would have and she and Fred were even close to marriage! Hiss! “Sugar, are you okay?” “I’m fine o, just thinking”.  “What’s my baby thinking about?” “Stuff o! My friend just annoyed me… its nothing really”. The car fell silent. He pinched my chin to get a smile, I usually like that but I was just upset that my best friend would say such a thing. I mean she should understand now. How many times have I told her the story!

My father left us when I was very young! It was just my sister and my mum who wasn’t working at the time. She got pregnant for me at an early age so could not finish her education. My father promised he would always be there for her, he kept part of it by marrying her but anytime she wanted to start a trade or finish her education he would tell her it wasn’t necessary that his income was sufficient. Then one day he packed his bags, said he was travelling to Abuja for a business meeting and was never seen again.

Imagine how distraught my mum was, I was barely 5 and my sister was just 3 years old! Heartless wicked man! I can never forgive him! He put my mother through so much pain! Thank God she had the strength to put her life together! At least she knew how to sew so opened a little shop and that’s how we’ve been managing. I promised myself I would do all I can to help my mother, now God has sent Kunle who gives me money from time to time and somebody is telling me it’s wrong? Hiss!

It is my right! I am a woman ahan! I deserve to be petted and lavished with gifts! It’s not as if I went to meet him ahan! I was jejely on my own when we met so please Tosin should mind her business!

He took me for ice-cream because he said he didn’t like how I looked, how sweet of him! (Such a gentleman!) I decided to leave my thinking aside and start a conversation, I even felt better after the sweet strawberry flavour had cooled the heat on my tongue “how’s your wife?” “She’s okay; she’s still the same sha, always nagging! Pay this pay that! I’m tired of her! At least when I’m with you I feel better” he said while brushing his hand on my face. “So beautiful”, I blushed “thank you”. After that he took me shopping, gave me cash then dropped me home. I felt much better and even forgot about our argument.

While I was sorting out my new clothes my mum came in.  “ahan, where did you get these clothes from? Hope you’re not using your school fees money o!” “Haha!   Relax mummy, my friend got them for me” “hmm… nawa for this friend, this famous friend I haven’t met that buys you phone and clothes! We cannot afford that kind of friend o! Before she will think you can buy her iPod for present! Let her know who we are o!” I laughed at the thought that she assumed it was a girl “haha mummy, she knows don’t worry” “sigh, my dear, wish I could even afford to make it possible for you to do that, such friends are treasures and you should also be able to show gratitude, at least be a good friend to her sha” I chuckled then smiled “sigh, if only I finished school. It’s your father o! Told me I’ll be fine, (tears ran down her cheeks) said I should not worry then ran away with one small girl! Imagine that, said it was business trip found out was secretary! Sigh, such is life”. She left the room sniffing…..

I said nothing. 

The "Saw" Principle

The rain poured like it was furious, flogging his back and knocking his head, but he didn’t mind, he had experienced this many times that it dint matter anymore, he was used to it. The walk home wasn’t too far, just 30 minutes , he would make it home safe as long as it wasn’t  past 9pm, Sege and his gang emerged at that time and no one in sound mind should be out unless they wanted to join or die!

He was a very smart boy, his teacher advised him to go to Kings College for his secondary education or get a scholarship to White Sands but he feared his parents won’t be able to afford it and he won’t be able to fit in with the “aje butters”. It hurt him though, he knew he was very smart and deemed it unfair that a boy as intelligent as he was wouldn’t be able to get a good education, all because of money! Cursed thing!

He quickened his pace as it was getting late, he knew he stretched the time too far but how could he say no to a nice soccer match with the boys, especially when he knew he’s a very skilled player! Then the rain had to spoil everything and he remembered he had a curfew.  He definitely didn’t want to meet Sege neither did he want to worry his mum so he started running . He began to see lights turned on nearby and his heart started racing, “I need to make it on time o!” he ran faster and then he slipped and fell hard on the muddy floor.

He gradually stood up and tried to squeeze some water out of his clothes and as he squeezed all he could a black Jeep sped past and drenched them once more. He sighed loudly, he hated being poor, he wished his family was rich, at least he won’t have to walk and get soaked and dirty! He wouldn’t have to pretend like he didn’t care about the jokes his classmates crack, they teased and said hurtful things like he had only a pair of trousers and he walked to school because he had no money, they say they could buy his house with their allowance. He also felt bad because they take okada to school and he doesn’t.

He felt terrible now, the fall made it worse. At first he was happy about the correct goal he scored which made him forget about the rain, then he thought  of the nice things his teacher said to him and he felt better then he became scared because he was running late and now he regretted being poor!

He got home on time and just like he figured his mother was waiting for him. She shouted at him for taking time then told him she boiled hot water for his bath and Pounded Yam and Egusi was waiting for him. His little brother ran to hug him then showed him what he drew in the jotter Uncle Tunde dashed him. He sighed, he was happy he was home but was still upset he was poor.

The rain poured like it was furious, flogging the roof and banging the boot, he didn’t mind, all he had to do was put on his headphones and play some music. He took out his iTouch and selected “over my dead body” . He’d met Drake once at this concert where he got a V.I.P seat. As funny as it might sound he actually wanted to go with his dad but he was busy and had been for the past 3 years!

He wasn’t a straight A pupil and he didn’t care, he knew he could get into any secondary school he wanted, his mum knew principals and besides he was going to an English school in Paris, he didn’t have time for this country, it was too hot and too boring. He thought about this while taking a few puffs from his inhaler, cursed thing! He thought. He was off to the hospital again, his leg had to be checked. He hoped it was fine even though this was the 4^th in successive months he was going for x-ray on the same leg. The doctor said he had brittle bones and should be especially taken care of.

The driver missed a turn and found himself in a very dodgy area, he made a quick U-turn and sped past splashing some boy with muddy water.  He saw the pool of water soak the boy’s face and clothes, he felt sorry for him and told the driver to be careful next time. He kept staring at him and wondered what he was doing under the heavy rain, couldn't  he at least take a cab or something? The sharp pain on that leg reminded him that he had his own problems to take care of.

He was scared and wished his mother was there, he wished she read him a story or told him how hectic her day was while leaning  on her  shoulders.  He wanted to feel like a big baby for once, he was longing to feel like a big baby. She  was never at home and he was tired of always playing ps3 games with his governess or gossiping about his classmates to the driver. He wished his brother would drive him to school at least one day, preferably on his birthday so he could show him off to his classmates and say “hey! My brother drove me to school!” He couldn’t remember the last time he ever hung out with him, he was always busy either with his friends or going to some party. Sometimes he wished he was as old as his brother so that he could go out with him, he began to cry. He just wanted his parents, he just wanted love… He just wanted his family.

My Country from My Perspective

I've been feeling nostalgic lately, this is the longest time I haven't seen my family  (7 months). I miss sitting on table on Sundays and racking my brain for the next religious/science/current affairs question my father would ask. I also miss the taste of dried peppered Kilishi and juicy Suya! the smell of fresh fried fish and the taste of Palm oiled starch and Banga Soup!

These are but a few things that keep me in love with my country, although we have a pretty bad reputation, I don't quite see myself settling anywhere else unless its not God's Will. In the past and recent times Nigerians have been labelled as crooks and criminals as a result of those who care less for morality nor human dignity and this has made it quite difficult for us as a whole to be trusted. Media is quick to judge our actions and many always have bad stories to tell about one or more places in the country. We all know the horrible things some of our kinsmen have done but I believe we have hope to redeem this sad reputation.

Our country is not all bad. Although it has its problems and issues, there are still a few good things:

• There is still some form of respect for elders. In my opinion we still honor the elderly and perceive their words as wise, the only thing we might need to work on is to understand that we can learn from any and everybody, a child can learn from the mother and the mother can definitely learn from the child. Many elders or people in authority get upset when someone lesser in rank or younger than they are points out important issues or corrects them in some form (not referring to being impolite). I do not think they should see it as a form of challenge to them, I believe a young man and his father can have a decent conversation and reason their opinions out without the elder feeling the young one is being disrespectful.
• a large majority of  Nigerians still believe in God and go to church! we still have a sense of God's existence in our lives and that is a major attribute. What we could work on is truly living our faith. A million people may go to church or pray for hours but if we do not love God and live in the way He wants our going to church becomes superficial.
• we have a sense of community. If a person is trying to steal from another person, someone around would definitely shout "ole! ole!" and strong hefty men would come out of nowhere to chase and deal with the culprit even to the extent that they overdo it. Also when you are driving I'm sure one must have spotted someone waving his arm out of the window shouting  to another person driving beside him and some times trying to get your attention, you see him pointing  and mouthing or shouting "your tyre! your tyre!" words are so often repeated that way. There is also a form of family bond, although it could be worked on a bit, parents still try to spend time with their children and children still communicate with parents plus every family friend and relation is called "uncle" or "aunty". This is a very good trait we have and I pray we keep it (well, not exactly the "uncle" and "aunty" part lol)
• Nigerians are happy people! with the state of the country people still find ways to make themselves feel good from countless sewing of Aso Ebi and going for many parties to normal games like "ten ten" and "suwe". An average Nigerian always looks for ways to make his life better, to search for happiness and joy, he constantly refuses to be melancholic and that in my opinion is a wonderful thing. We could just try not to achieve happiness at the expense of others and try to be morally and spiritually upright which are the keys to true happiness!

So we are not all bad and our country isn't either. We have our few perks like other countries do and like other countries we can do something about it. We cannot look to our government, system nor our leaders to form a good reputation for ourselves. Although life is not all about having a good name but we could give ourselves some self respect, if we want change we have to be the change by changing ourselves. In this way we touch many lives without our knowing it which could affect our country as a whole and make it a better place so that through faith and hope, it shall be.